yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The uberlube is also flammable
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
