I heard we made out
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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