Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
