Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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