just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
