M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
two words...techno handjob
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
