I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize