Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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