he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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