The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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