She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
