I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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