he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize