i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
