you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
