I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
