I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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