The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
