my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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