You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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