I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
