o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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