you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
