my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
