god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
