Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
