What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
