My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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