doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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