I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
