Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
