I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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