I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
