Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
