Who wears a wallet chain?!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
