T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
