dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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