I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
