I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
