Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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