I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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