Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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