i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
