Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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