$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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