Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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