Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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