just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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