if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
