Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
