Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
