it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
