You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
