I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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