I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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