What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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