I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I am one with the molecules
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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