i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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