i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ugly people sure do ruin things
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
