when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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