totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
